Still Your Song
by lost0and0found
Summary: Jess is going to Pakistan on a field trip for his new book. Rory goes to visit him before he leaves. Post-finale one-shot. Literati.


**AN: I don't own the characters, I make no profit of them.**

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_To anyone who might have read 'As If', any resemblance you may find in the plot is fully intended. I decided to write this one-shot, which is a slightly reworked version of the first chapter of 'As If': a/ because I thought it would be fun; b/ because I heard a Goo Goo Dolls song and thought it could apply to the plot; c/ cause I'd be happy if anyone found the storyline interesting and checked 'As If' /so this is sort of advertising, a cunning and vicious plot to get you to read my other story, eh?:D/ I hope you find it interesting /goo goo eyes:)/**  
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**Most importantly, I hope you enjoy, guys, cause that's what this is all about, in the end:)**

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**_Called you up ten years too late_**  
**_Just to hear your voice again_**  
**_I know your voice is still the same_**  
**_I know that something's changed_**

**_~Goo Goo Dolls~  
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'Okay, okay, I'm coming,' Jess Mariano groaned, heading for his front door, suppressing a yawn. Whoever was dumb enough to wake him up in that unmanly hour, was going to endure his just anger.

'You here for the taxes or... Rory?' he appeared at the door, his eyes sleepy, T-shirt and sweatpants on.

'Hey.' Rory greeted and smiled broadly, trying to avoid the initial awkwardness.

_Well, isn't this a day of surprises?_

Jess ran a hand through his hair and stopped at the threshold, holding on to the doorknob.

_He didn't smile back. Of course he won't smile back, what did you expect?_

'Sorry for waking you,' she started apologetically, 'I wanted to make sure, ehm, I caught you home,' she finished and bit her lip.

She tried to read his shifts of expression, but they only showed surprise, followed by a quick unreadable glitter and then... was, was that _annoyance_? Given the early hour, it was bound to be.

_Of course._

Jess closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead with his thumb and forefinger in attempt to concentrate and connect the dots that could possibly lead her to his door.

_'Ah, but of course, she's on a mission – save poor self-destructive Jess or something.'_

'Lorelai shouldn't have told you,' he sighed and stepped aside so she could walk in.

'I'm also happy to see you, I guess,' Rory mumbled as she entered.

'Huh... Want something to drink?' he asked, heading for the fridge.

The room was rather messy, there were a couple of boxes and bags packed around the sofa. Rory felt awkward. It all felt awkward, out of place. She felt an urge to start unpacking, he didn't have to leave, she wanted to empty those bags, take the baggage out, throw the suitcase out of the window. She shook that urge off.

'When are you leaving? Tomorrow?' she tried to play it cool, as if she were asking him when he was going to pick up the laundry, but suspected her voice trembled a little too much for that.

_'Why do I feel like I'm running out of time? Why was it so important that I came here today and talked to him? It doesn't concern me where he decides to go. Not anymore. I haven't been there for him for the last couple of years, so what difference does it make if I am now? But today I 'm here. Today, I wanna be here for you, will you let me?'_

Jess closed the fridge and gave her a long look, two sodas in hands. He reminded her of a bartender in a western bar, fixing his eyes on a newcomer so that he could measure her right away, using only his bare eyes. Rory crossed her arms before her chest and waited, answering his look. Did he look a little different? His hair was cut a little shorter and he seemed to have put on a kilo or so, but apart from that he was still Jess.

_Stubborn, was-my-first-love, hurt-me-hurt-him, missed-him… oh, shut up, Gilmore… Jess._

'Tomorrow, late in the evening,' he answered at last and put the two bottles on the bar plot.

**_And now I pass you on my way_**  
**_And if you stop, what could I say?_**  
**_Apologizes for yesterday_**  
**_Like a fool I walk away_**

'Were you going to tell me?' she asked quietly, tucking a strand behind her ear, her eyes focusing on her shoe tips.

This question had been fighting its way from the second she learned that he was going to Pakistan to make a research for his next book. She didn't want this to sound like she was calling him to account for not telling her. After all, it was kind of his habit to leave without a word to anyone. But this time he was going to leave without a word to her only and she kind of felt she deserved it.

'I...' he made a pause and she read his expression this time. He had thought about it, if not else. 'I was going to write to you. Later.' He pronounced the words slowly, almost carefully, so she didn't get him wrong. He would tell her when he was already there.

'Look, Rory, it's not as if I'm joining the army or something,' he shrugged a shoulder, 'I'm just going on a...'he waved a hand nonchalantly, '... field trip. And I'm planning on coming back in a couple of months, all body parts hopefully in place and everything, I promise.'

She watched him as he joked and it made her feel a little nauseous.

_Okay, Rory, you wanted to come, here you are, what do you do now?_

She hadn't really expected him to act any differently than he actually did. Of course he wouldn't change his mind, especially on such an important decision, just because she told him to... The other way around, she had had great use of his words back then, almost one year ago, when he reminded her to hold on to herself and do her thing, no matter what.

'You really want to do this, Jess?' she asked incredulously. It sounded downright stupid, but she wanted to put it simple.

Jess raised his eyebrows but restrained a smile as he studied her more closely. He pondered over the answer, not only because he wanted it to be correctly interpreted, but also because he had asked himself the same question millions of times before he bought the ticket and started packing.

His interest in terrorism originated from anger, in one way or another. And anger was always an untrustworthy adviser. And it was nevertheless related to her, one way or another. That night when Rory visited him here, almost one year ago, had been some break-point, at least that was how he saw it. She had come and altered their relationship in some way, pretty irreversibly. Something got broken that night and he had to change his point of view or else he would just stay stuck in self-pity and anger for months or even years.

The thing was, he had pretty much lived with the idea that when he fixed himself, when he achieved something in life, he would be able to fix _them_ and make it work. Somehow.

Anyway, it turned out things didn't work his way and at first that pissed him really a lot. And then another thought came by, strongly assisted by Matt and Chris – it didn't actually have to be the end of him. The end of Rory and Jess didn't have to be the end of Jess, after all. He had started something good. Something worthy. He had published a book, that's a start, he had met two guys, geeky enough to work with him and together they had made the Truncheon. So, he could put the ashes of one dream in the built of another, or at least that was what Matt had said one evening, assisted by a certain quantity of wine. That same night, Jess, encouraged by the same, plus some extra whiskey, had thought this was the best piece of advice Matt had given him. Ever.

It turned, eventually, Matt might have been right.

So, Jess started searching for something bigger than the first book, bigger than Rory, something that would make a difference, something that would count if he did it right. Maybe, of all people, he didn't tell her about his plans exactly because he feared she might somehow be able to change his mind and stop him from detaching himself from her.

_No... Rory? Still? It's ancient history._

There were moments when he hated this ridiculous dependency he had on her, this close to obsession addiction that made him want her around just because with her life tasted better.

'I want this to count,' he said at last, shrugged a shoulder and drank from his soda.

Rory nodded thoughtfully and approached the bar-plot. She took her bottle and drank, too, taking a look around the place.

'You didn't take much, did you?', she asked, addressing his luggage.

'Books, mostly,' he said, a little surprised she had somehow changed the topic. It was his thing to do, escaping uncomfortable conversations, not hers.

'Can I ask you a favor?' she asked casually.

'Am I gonna regret it ever since?', he smirked. 'Wait, stupid question, do I keep my right of a death wish at least? You're playing The Clash on my funeral.'

'Come with me to_ 'Legally Blonde the Musical'_, they're playing it tonight.' she spilled, leaving him wordless for a couple of seconds, right before he burst into sincere laughter.

'You want me to come see _The Blonde_ with you, that's your favor?' he inquired, rubbing his temple, trying not to burst into laughter again.

'Yup,' she confirmed simply.

Jess looked at her quizzically, as if he expected this to be some sort of bait, but she simply looked back. Blue. Sinking and drowning into this blue abyss had always been so quick and easy.

'Okay, then, I'll come see the blonde with you,' he shrugged, trying to look casual. He got it now, that was her way to say she accepted his decision and would respect it.

_I'm sorry I doubted you. It's okay, I would've doubted me, too._

She believed him when he said this whole project was so important to him. In some way, it touched some part of him he thought he had long buried.

**_So can you hear me, or has it been too long?_**

**_Admit I was wrong, and this is still your song._**

_Because you didn't say goodbye. _

_Oh. Bye, Rory. _

_Bye, Jess._

Late next evening Jess got on a plane to Pakistan. Back then, he never imagined it would be no sooner than two years later that he would get on the same plane again, only this time, on his way back.

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**Song lyrics used, 'Still Your Song' by Goo Goo Dolls.**

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**I hope you enjoyed, guys, and even if you didn't, I'd be happy if you let me know what you think:)**


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